Despite being buried under heaps of emails, that usually accompanies the hectic kick-start of the motorsport season, I suddenly found myself wandering about in a field of thoughts. So I revisited a blog I posted somewhere else and thought I'd bore the living pants off anyone who'd be crazy enough to plough through this..
As I sought that one ounce of creative brain cell that I had left, I also found myself browsing mindlessly through a catalogue of emotions this morning. I let my mind drift along endlessly from one half-formed thought to another, juggling indecisiveness and incoherence as nothing and everything seemed to collide together in a state of utter confusion. Apparently, the brain tells me that my heart's in need of something, but strangely my heart tells the brain otherwise.
The two have never seen eye to eye before in the past anyway, but just this once, both share one thing - doubt.
As a member of the sex that experiences a different emotional charge every 3.5 seconds, it seemed highly likely that there had been a head on collision with the heart, but the head didn't have time to process it as the next wave of emotion was already at hand to throw the proverbial spanner to the works. Alas, the state of utter, unadulterated, pure and undefinable confusion. I entertained the thought of love - it's strange, complex, intriguing and quite an uncontrollable thing, if it can be called a "thing".
Perhaps it is an idea, a concept? I've always thought it to be a collective of many different things, made up of an infinite number of parts. For instance, I "love" my cd player, as it churns out Catalani's "Ebben? ne andro lontana" that makes me want to open the floodgate of tears late in the night.
I adore my Ipod as it belts out Mozart's "der holle rache" in my ear in a desperate attempt to lift me out of sleepdome as I crawl in to work every morning.. that is until it runs out of juice.. naturally. The fact that I really "love" the smell of Lavender in late spring, then leaves me wanting more for the rest of the year. I go absolutely bonkers when I hear Joshua Bell (and now Akiko Suwanai !!) play Sibelius, and you can hear Mr. Bell hold his breath under a note and release it only when he is absolutely sure that it has been played just right. My heart swells in pride when I know every ounce of sweat that went into a particular project I "love" goes as it is supposed to go.
Oh .. and that adrenalin rush as the heart longs to jump out of my throat as I tear past the start-finish straight of a race circuit just a whisker under 240km/h.Perhaps I am too much of a thinker or just plain stupid, but if all of that spells dependence, desire, passion and satisfaction - call it what you will - does it spell love..?
I wont even begin to pretend I have the slightest clue, because I haven't the faintest idea. This morning, as I wandered rather aimlessly through one back alley to another in my head, I began wondering about this particular "feeling" my head says my heart feels for another soul. I did think it might have been "it" or perhaps my head tricks me.
But, I can't hear Catalani or Ms. Damrau hit her inhuman notes in my ear nor was there the slightest hint of lavendar in the air. I couldn't hear that almost silent note as Sibelius had sought to perfect.. instead my heart didn't feel like it wanted to gasp for air out of my throat but rather sunk flat to the edge of my foot, heavy... Then began that throbbing sensation like the start of mild migraine pounding at the edge of consciousness.. Safe to say, I am still clueless..
On the bright side, that ounce of creative brain cell appeared like an apparition and I got my stuff done.. On the way home, I then thought about what indeed did Rusalka sing to the Moon?
